to the woods…
signs of confusion
today’s colour
Another reminder this morning of how closely linked are the processes of gardening and writing—all that pruning and timing and structure-is-important-or-the-whole-thing-goes-to-hell-pretty-quickly-no-matter-how-nice-it-looks-when-you-plant-it. Not to mention the yanking of weeds, watering, muttering about what needs to be moved, propped up, filled out, eliminated. Deadlines. Frost warnings.
It never fails. I go outside to air my brain, get away from the pages but they follow me and what I end up doing in the garden turns out to be some parallel version of what I’m working on at my desk.
So this morning, after cleaning up some edges along a stone path, I decided to do a colour post; I was taking pictures of red things, tomatoes, bee balm, unripe blackberries, but none of it was grabbing me. Then I noticed the nasturtiums and they looked nice so I changed my focus to orange. I had no idea how much of it was out there, hadn’t seen it til I started looking (to my surprise, I was even wearing an orange shirt). I took these pictures then went back inside, inserted an orange scarf into a scene I’d been struggling with and, well, not exactly presto—there’s much more to write—but it changed the direction of the whole chapter for the better. It was the colour, the ‘orange’ that did it: a red scarf, or blue or green, wouldn’t have worked. And yet I couldn’t see it…
Weird.
And wonderful.
Moral of the story: air your brain. [and when all else fails, employ scarf trick]









i know that she is growing…
In the context of Robin Black’s story ‘Gaining Ground’—in the context of serendipity or cooincidence, of insight and knowing yet not understanding, of not wanting yet being obsessed, of the death of a woman’s father on the night electricity runs in her child’s bathwater—in that context, or on its own—this is beautiful:
“Because I see my father. I do see him there. I see him standing outside of that tunnel, in the dark. And I see myself at that moment dipping my beautiful naked child into her bath. I know exactly where they found him. I know the path he walked from the Place. And I know the ripples of water around her small body as she plays. I know the slight gray tinge of daily dirt that falls around her, and rings that bathtub. And I know how he got out. Which nurse had her back turned. Which orderly thought he knew that my father was tucked into bed. And I know the smell of my daughter’s shampoo. The way her ears emerge as her hair rises into lather. I know what my father was wearing, his gray wool pants I mail-ordered him last month, a white T-shirt bought by my mother God knows when, no shoes. The last time I saw him, he’d lost so much weight. His food was all poisoned, he believed. I know that. The air was growing harder for him to breathe. The air that Allison breathes. I know that he couldn’t breathe her air anymore. I know he was diminishing. I know that she is growing. The nurses were pouring toxins into his room with their words. I know the songs I sing to her as she bathes. The songs she begs me for. He wouldn’t let anyone speak around him. He had forbidden even me to speak. Every word was deadly. Every breath was painful for him.” ~ from the collection If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This, by Robin Black [Random House]
i’m supposed to be a carni-WHAT?
‘morning, glory…
part 9 — finally: speechless in vancouver
The ferry from Victoria can hardly dock for wind and rain and other wonders. It’s been eleven days of damp, but we’re not complaining. Not in god’s country. Not in the land of the lotus. We’re from Ontario. Mountains make us not care about rain.
Our latest B&B headquarters—O Canada House—is in downtown Vancouver where we notice a distinct lack of mountains, but we do have a private patio and the happy vibe continues, so despite the dripping ivy, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and sit outside in boots and rain hats under the eaves where, appropriately, I decide to make a small watercolour painting.
We do laundry on Davie Street and I write poetry at breakfast while looking out at a neighbouring window propped open with books. I find myself in a discussion about the use of zip code versus postal code and what I see as a rampant disregard for the letter ‘u’ in words such as favourite and colour and am told, in merry laughing tones: does it really matter, seeing as how at the heart of things we’re all Americans anyway… at which point my ears become hot and many impolite words cross my mind. Some of them containing the letter ‘u’.
We duck into a restaurant out of the rain and are served a cup of hot chai without even asking for it. We stay for dinner.
At the art gallery there is a Chagall exhibit. My favourite piece is from the illustrations for Dead Souls, ‘The Table Loaded with Food’, which shows whole animals on platters.
One morning, while Peter is doing something else, I join a bus tour with several hundred other people more intent on chatting to one another than listening to the guide. I make notes on what I catch through the din. Vancouver City Hall was purposely built on a hill so that the mayor could look ‘down’ on citizens…
It is in a bookshop at the Bloedel Conservatory that I discover Douglas Coupland’s City of Glass, and then lunch in the tea room under a glass roof in the rain.
On Granville Island we recognize a busker from the Distillery District in Toronto. He cannot say the same for us.
Also on Granville Island, we fall in love with a coffee table, recycled from an old wheel mold from the 1940’s, and in a mad moment, buy it, and arrange for shipment to Ontario. [One of our best purchases ever.]
More than once: calamari at The Sandbar, on the roof patio, by the fireplace, overlooking the water. Then home via paddle boat cab and a short walk.
Toward the end of our Vancouver stay, laryngitis strikes; I’m convinced this is due to not eating enough garlic during our travels. The weather never occurs to me (mountain ‘happy’ effect is very strong). I walk to the Chinese market and buy chicken soup. A day or so later, I’m fine. But Peter, ever considerate, and after two solid weeks together, much of it spent driving, suggests I not take any chances, that resting my voice a little longer wouldn’t hurt…
And that, as they say, is that.
[C’est fini. See ya, BC, it’s been a super yummy slice…]
Part 8 — a trilogy of salmon, dead elk and the raj
Victoria: dry. For the moment.
Not that it matters a lot as we’re on Malahat Drive, north of Goldstream Park, stuck in traffic. An accident has made the two lane road impassable. For several hours, the ignition is off. I alternate between reading and painting my toenails loganberry.
Later, at dinner, we’re zonked and amuse ourselves by guessing what’s up with the people next to us, who we’re pretty sure are divorced but get together and play nice occasionally for the kids—a mixture of hers, his, theirs. It’s the dad’s birthday and the woman has got him a sheepskin jacket and a belt which makes quite a large parcel to open at a small table full of place settings and other dining debris. The man is very cool to everyone and the woman cuddles and kisses only a young girl, ignoring the other two children, one of whom is most certainly only his because later on he and that child leave and then he, the man, returns alone as if having returned the child to its rightful mother. Soon the whole gang leaves. Frankly, whatever the deal is with these people, I don’t think it’s going to last.
Our B&B is named after a small white dog; it has the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in [I make note of the mattress but find that it’s been discontinued], a lovely shower and is in a great neighbourhood with good book shops. The only oddity is the owners who, each morning, deliver our breakfast trays to the room, a nice but unusual touch given that they linger just a little too long as if having a look around to see what we’ve been up to in the past 24 hours. I find myself tidying the place before they arrive.
There seem to be no roads that run at right angles in Victoria, nothing east, west, north or south. This plays havoc with my almost non-existent sense of direction. We’re told that when the city was planned by the British, it was considered lower class to have streets running on a grid. So it’s all upper class circles and lanes and things turning into other things without warning or signage. Apparently it doesn’t get better when you live there—they say you can tell the tourists: they’re the ones without the maps.
At the gallery are Paul Drury etchings, my favourite of which is the Old Man Reading in which the man remains exactly the same but the background changes, which completely changes the mood, what we assume he’s doing, everything. Here is the picture: old man sitting at table, head in hand. In the first frame the background is that of a cafe, a newspaper is on the table in front of him. In the next, the walls are blank and on the table is a book, not a newspaper. He has a pipe in his mouth. In the first picture he seems poor, working class, perhaps even out of work, distraught, head in hand as if to say woe is me, I’m rotting away in this grotty cafe, reading yesterday’s paper. In the second, although neither his expression nor his clothing is different, he seems privileged and content, possibly sitting in a library reading Homer, head in hand because he’s so intent, absorbed in its brilliance.
Also at the gallery, a samurai exhibit. Quite a poetic lot, it seems, between bouts of slaughter. The epitome of this class was Miyamoto Musashi, who wrote The Book of Five Rings in the 17th century—it’s still used today to teach business strategies.
Lunch at the Wharfside Restaurant, a little commercial but right on the water, plus we get a window seat. Peter has a wild mushroom pizza and I have the salmon trilogy, which is how I learn I don’t like candied or pickled salmon. The remaining third of the trilogy—smoked—is lovely. Two very small people at the next table order The Dim Sum Experience, The Seafood Platter for Two, which is enormous and on top of which they have a whole lobster each and then share a pizza. They drink beer with gusto and laugh non-stop. Peter leaves to make some phone calls and I linger, watching yet another table… an elderly man and what I assume is his granddaughter, a girl of maybe seven. He tells her stories and she smiles, listens intently, then when he’s finished they chat up a storm and she asks mile a minute questions that seem unconnected. At one point she says: “Are you farsighted?” Eventually I settle down with notebook and pen and for some reason remember a dead elk we passed in the back of a pickup on the way to Tofino. I connect this to baked spaghetti and pickles and somehow manage a short story before Peter returns.
We don’t want to but feel we must visit the Empress Hotel. The whole waterfront area is a bit too touristy if you ask me. Glass bottom boats and Madame Tussaud’s, double-decker buses and Beefeaters in cheap uniforms fit only for photos. A teenager curses us for not giving him bus fare to Port Hardy. Inside the hotel, there’s a great memorabilia collection—photos and menus with food items I’ve never heard of, old registry books [most guests were from the States even then], and my favourite: dance cards listing waltzes, foxtrots, etc., with a space beside each to check ‘taken’. The architecture and the history are worth absorbing, but then there’s something called the The Bengal Room, which strikes me as everything that was wrong about the Raj. All those dead animal heads on the walls, skins, whirring fans, dark panelled walls, serving boys… So dark inside it hurts my eyes to come back into the light of the real world.
Dinner is at Sooke Harbour House where the waiter explains that the menu is ‘nature driven’. By which he means they have a garden. When serving the wine [Sandhill ‘One’ from Phantom Creek Vineyard] he warns that it’s ‘inherently schizophrenic’ and checks back later to see if it [the wine] is becoming ‘unified’ on our palate. For some reason he, or the owner, or someone, takes a shine to us [because we have put up with phrases like ‘inherently schizophrenic’?] and at the end of the meal we’re treated to a couple of glasses of ‘Cobble Hill’—a truly exquisite nectar made by accident in the process of making vinegar. It is sweet and rich and creamy and perfect with the blue cheese and walnuts that are served along with it.
We’ve been on the island eleven days. Most of which have been rainy. It’s raining still on the morning we’re set to cross by ferry to Vancouver and while I’m expecting a rough sail, it’s completely smooth and strangely pleasant; there are very few passengers and so we move through heavy fog in silence, like a chilly meditation.



















