party tip #1

Gather fun facts for use in the face of conversational lulls—guaranteed to get dialogue sizzling in no time. Write them on your arm, tuck them into a sock, don’t be a bore and, above all, don’t let impending awkward silence put a deadly damper on things—

By way of illustrating this system in action I’ve listed a few possibly familiar examples of tete a tetes going nowhere—notice how an injection of useless but seasonally appropriate information can add sparkle, thereby saving the moment:

1)  That looks delicious, thank you, but no, I don’t actually eat hummus, I suffer from gas issues…………………………… Uh, by the way, I just read where pumpkin flowers are edible. You wouldn’t have any of those around would you?

2)  Nice to meet you, really nice, yes, lovely weather, I love rain……………………………… Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this, but Antartica—apparently—is the only continent hostile to pumpkin cultivation. And that’s almost a direct quote from the Internet. Is that amazing or what??

3)  Yes, yes, great party. Really good, really good……………………….. So, did you know pumpkins were related to cucumbers?

4)  Beautiful place, cosy. Mmmm, yes, yes, nice chair……………………………….. Oh, I just remembered! You won’t believe this—pumpkins, it seems, heal snake bites. Can you even believe that? No I don’t know what kind of snakes are included. Does it really matter? And what do you mean how likely are you to be in the vicinity of a poisonous snake and a pumpkin at the same time not to mention a knife to carve the pumpkin open with—because that isn’t the point. You’ve missed the whole frigging point. The point is it’s an interesting bit of trivia for god’s sake. Oh never mind. No really, forget it. It doesn’t matter. Could you just pass the pumpkin flowers please? 

one cucumber's extended family

Happy Hallowing.

~

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