instructions

no, i’m not reading hemingway

~ carin ~ 6 Comments

…Just clearing shelves.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A CHARGING BULL

1. Do not antagonize the bull, and do not move.

2. Look around for a safe haven—an escape route, cover, or high ground.

3. If a safe haven is not available, remove your shirt, hat, or another article of clothing. (This is to distract the bull.) 

4. If the bull charges, remain still and then throw your shirt or hat away from you. (The bull should head toward the object you’ve thrown.)

**NOTE: IF YOU ENCOUNTER A STAMPEDE of bulls or cattle, do not try to distract them. Try to determine where they are headed, and then get out of the way. If you cannot escape, your only option is to run alongside the stampede to avoid getting trampled. Bulls are not like horses, and will not avoid you if you lie down—so keep moving.

~ from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Joshua Piven and David BrogenichtAnd then there are cows.
No instructions needed.

steal away…

~ carin ~ 2 Comments

“Just one word more—please steal time every day, if you cannot find it any other way, to lie on the grass, or in a hammock, under a huge tree this lovely month… and relax. What a tonic this is for the soul. What a rest for weary nerves! Our husbands, children, friends—yes, and the nation—will profit by our relaxation. The greatest need today is for calmer homes, and no fireside can be calm unless its guardian is at peace with the world.” ~Nell B. Nichols, columnist for Woman’s Home Companion, summer 1924

how i found summer at minus fourteen without leaving town and how you can too

~ carin ~ 2 Comments

1.  Open a box of Jello.

2.  Wet index (or other) finger.

3.  Stick finger into Jello powder.

4.  Stick finger into mouth.

5.  Presto. Instant Lik-M-Aid—and just like that I’m back to pre celsius temps—something in the low 80’s with a gentle breeze—decked out in baggy yellow shorts and a striped tank top, a bandaid on my knee, another on my elbow, reading Richie Rich on the porch or riding my sister’s green two-wheeler hand-me-down that was so big I had to choose: pedal or sit. Impossible to do both at the same time.

(Incidentally, I notice it’s now called Fun Dip and comes with a dipping stick, which is depressing because you know this change occurred to avoid having children stick germy fingers into their mouths—to which I say how are they supposed to develop immune systems if they aren’t occasionally putting fingers into their mouths?? Especially during summer—the universal Lik-M-Aid season—when the more multi-coloured your index (or other) fingers are, the healthier you will grow!)

6.  Take your fingers out of the Jello powder—you’re a grown up, for heaven’s sake! It’s winter. Get over it. Boil water. Make Jello. Eat it in the bathtub.

~

party tip #1

~ carin ~ 1 Comment

Gather fun facts for use in the face of conversational lulls—guaranteed to get dialogue sizzling in no time. Write them on your arm, tuck them into a sock, don’t be a bore and, above all, don’t let impending awkward silence put a deadly damper on things—

By way of illustrating this system in action I’ve listed a few possibly familiar examples of tete a tetes going nowhere—notice how an injection of useless but seasonally appropriate information can add sparkle, thereby saving the moment:

1)  That looks delicious, thank you, but no, I don’t actually eat hummus, I suffer from gas issues…………………………… Uh, by the way, I just read where pumpkin flowers are edible. You wouldn’t have any of those around would you?

2)  Nice to meet you, really nice, yes, lovely weather, I love rain……………………………… Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this, but Antartica—apparently—is the only continent hostile to pumpkin cultivation. And that’s almost a direct quote from the Internet. Is that amazing or what??

3)  Yes, yes, great party. Really good, really good……………………….. So, did you know pumpkins were related to cucumbers?

4)  Beautiful place, cosy. Mmmm, yes, yes, nice chair……………………………….. Oh, I just remembered! You won’t believe this—pumpkins, it seems, heal snake bites. Can you even believe that? No I don’t know what kind of snakes are included. Does it really matter? And what do you mean how likely are you to be in the vicinity of a poisonous snake and a pumpkin at the same time not to mention a knife to carve the pumpkin open with—because that isn’t the point. You’ve missed the whole frigging point. The point is it’s an interesting bit of trivia for god’s sake. Oh never mind. No really, forget it. It doesn’t matter. Could you just pass the pumpkin flowers please? 

one cucumber's extended family

Happy Hallowing.

~

living in the present with an even goldener rule

~ carin ~ Leave a comment

“…Confucius’ sayings, his wisdom and philosophy, had deeply influenced the way Chinatown raised first sons like me.

“What kind of human being was he to have established as one of the tenets of his philosophy, “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others”? How different the assumption that our fear of how others can harm us is the most specific and universal deterrent compared to what has filtered down to Western culture as “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.” How dangerous to assume that whatever pleases you might please me. None of his teachings ever touched upon the afterlife, none considered the possibilities of a heaven or hell. His concern was with how one might live life in the present. Having survived my almost dying, I was moved by the answer he offered when one of his followers, speaking of death, asked, “But what comes next?”

“Confucius said, “If you do not understand life, how will you know about death?”

—from the memoir, Not Yet, by Wayson Choy, Random House

~

vive l’ete indeed

~ carin ~ 3 Comments

Before the whole summer gets away from me and people start talking about how it’s over the minute the #&@*ing CNE opens, I am printing this and taping it above my desk where its job will be to inspire me often to stand up, find a bucket and spade, head outside in any direction and—for much longer than I think reasonable—let my toes and mind wander where they may.

Thanks for the reminder, Carol…

red earth reptile, brackley beach